Confessions : Coming Out

A very courageous article written by a good friend...

Its like being in limbo. Not knowing where to go or how to get there. You think of yourself, your happiness, your thoughts and your feelings. Then come the people around you, their thoughts, their feelings, their actions.

This is my predicament.

I am in this stage of life wherein a teener, or in my case, a young adult experiences confusion, uncertainty and undecisiveness in knowing what or who I will be, certain things come into my mind that somewhow always pull me back into this abyss of confusion.

Coming out, as they say, is this process. Coming out of the closet with all my emotion, my thoughts and aspirations. Coming out to a world that somehow is still doubtfull of the fact that we do exist. But is it really that easy?

A couple of very close friends have repeatedly told me to just let it all loose, let everybody know the real me. Me whom my closest friends have seen and learned to accept. As my bestfriend placed it, "tingnan mo 'ko, walang problema. Magladlad ka na kasi!"

As easy as it might have been for him, i couldn't quite elaborate all the thoughts and worries that i feel whenever they tell me to just come out.

I was born to a religious family. A family that goes to church two times a week, attends Bible studies almost every night and actively participates in all church activities. A religious family that believes in the existence of only Adam and Eve, no more, no less, nobody in between.

I was brought up believing that feeling other than what the Bible tells you is a sin. That it will be punished in the flames of hell. That doing something else than what the Holy Scriptures demand will mean eternal damnation.

I grew up in the company of relatives that are strict, conforming and conservative. They expect everybody in the family to be normal. Normal according to what the society and the people before them have dictated. Normal in the sense that they can fathom what you think and what you feel, which is contrary to the real me.

Coming out to them would mean destroying the most important part of my life. It means putting into waste all the effort and perseverance I have put into earning their trust and respect.

This is my reality.

Coming out would mean my family's disgrace, its failure.

I can very well envision, not only my father, but all of the elders in my family disowning me for being me; raising arguments and discussions reaching the edges of the Holy Scriptures and imposing on me judgment as they knew it would be.

I can see my relatives looking at me as if peeling off my skin, trying to get to the bottom of my soul. To pull out and remove that unworthy part of me they deem sinful.

This is me coming out. As horrid as it may seem, this is what I see when I come out. The thought of losing my family alone takes the conviction and courage out of me to declare that this is me out of my shell.

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Maybe i'll be like this until i grow old. A fool who can never stand up for what he really feels, what he really is. But as long as my family stays well and respected, everything will have to come in as second priority.

--- Anonymous



As Rustom Padilla (an actor who recently admitted that he is gay) put it, "I'd call it sexual orientation, not sexual preference because this is not a choice." No, I'm not gay, but I believe that gays (and lesbians) are women trapped in a man's body (and vice versa). I think that the essence of their sexuality is unfairly tainted. Last week I've seen IC Mendoza (an actor who is open about his sexuality) talking to his father in a show. He was really worried because his father might not accept him for who he is, but during the course of the talk, it seemed that his father somehow tried to understand his point. I thought that IC would be relieved, but the nerve-wracking emotion on his face never went out. Maybe he was still scared, still worried. Again I quote Rustom, "I'm not just a gay person, I'm a person who happens to be gay." Well I have two wishes: I wish that those who haven't come out yet may have the courage to liberate themselves; more importantly, I wish that people around them may let them do that; let them live freely in this free world.